In an act that revealed their increasing boredom and indifference to secretly controlling the entire world, our Illuminati masters have ordered that Barack Obama be given the Nobel Peace Prize. “I’m so sick of sitting around in these robes,” said one council member, “And people won’t even care about this in a week, I guarantee it. Just pick someone.”
Illuminati members, initially presented with a six-thousand page dossier on the 205 nominees, were generally incredulous at the thought of a thorough analysis of the candidates, and how the victory of each might benefit the New World Order. “What? I’m not reading this stupid thing,” said Dread Prince Skeletor, flipping briefly through the massive tome before using it to roll a joint. “Let’s just all vote for Barack Obama, the black superman who saved America. I want to beat traffic.”
Other members were quick to agree. “Yeah! Obama – he’s still, like, a thing, isn’t he?” said High Prelate Luciferius, cracking open a Pabst Blue Ribbon and stretching out over the length of a couch made from the hides of Christian martyrs. “It’s, like, Europeans all hated Bush, and Obama is, like, the opposite of Bush, or whatever, so he gets the Nobel Peace Prize from Europeans and it’s all like oh, la la la, George Bush, you’re a dickhead, where’s your Nobel Peace Prize? Oh, you don’t get one, duh nuh nuh nuh.”
Added Luciferius, “And then, people will be all, like, da da duh da: He didn’t do nothing, my TV said so.”
The suggestion of Obama, met mostly with shrugs and responses of “Yeah, sure” and “Whatever” in the candlelit council chamber – the room where your very nightmares are born – was quickly approved, as several artificially immortal railroad barons went back to trying to beat their high scores in Brickbreaker.
The decision, which was delayed in confirmation by the lateness of proxy votes being sent in from Bingo Night at the Elders of Zion Retirement Home, was hastily scribbled in crayon on the back of a priceless Renoir and sent to the Nobel Prize Committee in Oslo.
Nobel committee insiders, however, were more concerned about the mental health of our dark overseers than the decision itself. “I think they’re depressed,” said Norwegian journalist Hans Grungensen, whose accursed bloodline has covered the secretive organization since its inception in a year unknown to mankind. “They used to monitor heroic dissident groups with the secret cameras they have hidden in every household – now, the only thing those cameras record is people eating mayonnaise out of a jar while watching re-runs of Dancing With The Stars.”
Illuminati members, however, are reportedly shocked over the widely negative backlash to Obama’s reception of the award. “We don’t really see what the big deal is,” said Broodicus Shakur, a 157th Degree Mason and the True King of Kamchatka. “When we’re really lazy, we just give it to somebody for Israel and Palestine. Nobody cries foul over ‘not having really achieved anything’ with that nonsense.”
Some members of the council, however, expressed concern that the transparently incomprehensible choice could expose the Illuminati’s iron grasp over every facet of our lives. “We, who are darkness, must always be in darkness,” said Death Lord / Florist Rob Denton, planting butterfly kisses upon a goat carcass while sitting atop a throne of human skulls. “It cannot fall to the common man to discern our presence or intention, and yet as of late we have acted with alarming presence: ‘Single Ladies’ really was one of the best videos of all time.”
The Albatross magazine article
, Friday, October 9, 2009